And i really didn't feel like blogging then, either. obviously.
So... i guess the 2 or 3 people who read this already know I got laid off at the end of january. I still haven't found a job. Applied to over 100. HA!! really. i at least applaud the people who responded with a rejection e-mail, most didn't bother. My favorite was from blizzard gaming, they said 'we are unable to utilize your talents at this time."
Come one, how awesome is that? Actually the 2 personal-ish responses I received were quite nice. And it shows a kind of maturity not often seen nowadays.
God, did i just say that?
I was having sort of a crappy day and I'm listening to alanis morrisette-supposed former infatuation junkie. I loved this album when I was 17 and I still do. I hate to sound like such a chick but it really makes me feel better. Sort of a "we are human, we aren't perfect, but we can still be strong and accomplished and good people" sort of way of thinking. I really needed that.
Though I've realized i am still the same person I was 10 years ago. I've been through some stuff and grown up a lot in many ways, but I am still me. And that doesn't bother me at all. I like to like the person I am. I like that my basic principles and beliefs haven't changed much, if at all.
It's weird that I am in..., uh, about the same place in my life. It sort of bugs me, but i still have all the possibility I did then. And (this time) I'm in a wonderful relationship, with someone who loves me, thinks I am awesome and supports me. Someone who wants the same things I do and who encourages me to do what makes me happy, and to better myself, but who doesn't try to make me feel shitty for doing so at my own pace and my own way. My family loves and supports me as much as they ever did.
My cat has been staring at me this entire time. He wants food.
I didn't even look at jobs last week. OKay I looked at craigslist but I didn't apply for anything. I didn't do shit. For the entire week. Except pay rent and all the bills.
And all last week it was rainy and cold. Sometimes that's good weather, but not last week, not for me. I felt like shit all week. Also, I ran out of my meds, which sucks ass. It makes me sick to my stomach.
Friday morning I went with my mom to have her cat put to sleep. it was bad. not many things worse than seeing your mom cry that much. And I can't stand needle-related procedures so I was sobbing and trying not to throw up at the same time, it was really terrible. Then we buried her in the rain. That was pretty sucky. When Matt got home we went to the theatre to give my mom a prop he'd made for her play. Everyone really liked it. My poor mom kept having to ask for her lines and afterward, the director was telling her hey, I know you know this stuff, I don't know what the deal is today.. and I was like shut up shut up, don't make her cry...but she was cool.
Then we went to clicks, the local gay bar was having a big party and I really like dancing there but I was SO not in the mood for that.
So we get home and Matt knocks me over the head with "I put a bid on a house in Temple." I was so fucking mad. So fucking mad. furious. completely blindsided and fucking irate. I couldn't see straight i was so angry.
the next morning I had to get up early because Mom and I were going to see Spamelot in Austin. I was still pissed. Then I had a panic attack in the car in the middle of 4 lanes of stopped traffic and got sick-in the car. It was so bad.
It was a rotten couple of days.
But I feel better now. I've been looking at different options. I'm going back to school. I kind of have to, really. There is nothing I am qualified for that would pay anything, and that I wouldn't absolutely hate. And I really want a degree.
Anyway. You guys should play LOTR online, it's great.

I love going to the park to read. I wander around in the woods and sit under a nice tree and read all alone.
Know what else I love? Sitting on the train tracks drinking and reading. I know, I know it sounds like a Darwin award waiting to happen, but trains are very loud and rumbly. I can feel, hear, and see the train coming, in that order, at least a mile away. Though I cannot see or taste it, I think 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Since it gets dark by the time i get home now, I get out my headlamp to see my book.
Please don't tell anyone.

No really i totally love it. I usually write crap when I am really drunk (and don't remember writing it) but that one was very succinct and exactly what i felt.
More about the other guy: I've been being insane, and weird, and totally ME and I guess maybe I am trying to freak him out to the point where he leaves me, and... well shit I guess he's moving all his stuff out... but other than that he's been all super great and sweet and nice. what is going on? he refuses to get freaked out by my insanity and even my bringing up having kids.
My goddamn computer keeps saying I need antivirus crap and it's crap. I have avast. fuck you. windows is a jerk.
Oh and to answer your question, he's spineless.